Gay Ghost

My house is haunted by a gay ghost,
my ass bleeds when I drop the soap.
My channels change to watch The View,
and my Stetson cologne smells of J Crew.
I put in the fridge some cupcake snacks
and open it up to yogurt packs.
My hairbrush smells like Vaseline
and my venetian blinds are always clean.
My dress shoes developed pointy toes,
my dryer couldn't have shrunk all my clothes.
My homepage changed to Oprah.com
And pink flamingos reside on my lawn.

So I hired a priest to clear out my house,
but they locked the door and won't come out.

Sauna

I went to the gym
and decided to spend
time sweating in the sauna.

Then in walked a kid
and he laughed at my dick
so I beat his ass like Rihanna.

Crying Baby

Crying baby,
give it a shake.
Crying baby,
drive it in a lake.
Crying baby,
lock it in the car.
Crying baby,
throw it real far.
Crying baby,
drop it on the floor.
Crying baby,
toss out on I4.
Crying baby,
drown it in the tub.
Crying baby,
put it in the dump.
It's a good thing
I watch the news
for parenting tips
and baby how-to's.

Cheerleading

Cheerleading is a sport.
Just shitting you, no it's not.
Anyone can yell and clap,
so just sit there and look hot.

Jobs

Beat your wife?
Train for cop.
Like blow jobs?
Learn to rock.

Like boys?
Start a church.
Enjoy corruption?
Put country first.

Want herpes?
Strip at a club.
Enjoy taxis?
Blow shit up.

Don't like sex?
Get an Xbox.
Never heard of sex?
Manage Gamestop.

Enjoy steroids?
Pick up a bat.
Kill your wife?
Try runningback.

Love money?
Become a Jew.
Hate blacks, babies, gays, fairness, fun, freedom, porn, and the world?
Anchor Fox News.

Poor

Two dollars for bottled water.
Four per can of air,
Three dollars spent on ice.
This all hardly seems fair.

I pay for all this free shit
and now I can't afford
the fifty dollars it costs
on a handjob from a whore.

Biography

I just wrote my biography
and its only one page long
it says "I did everything in life,
including fucking your mom."

Emo

Emo is not metal.
Emo is not rock.
Emo is as alternative
as wearing sandals with socks.

Emo is not creative
Emo is not unique
Emo is just guys
That shop walmart for clinique.

Put down the guitar
Quit claiming you're gothic
Go back to work
folding the shirts at Hot Topic.

Facebook Slut

Dear slutty girl on facebook,
thank you for the pics.
your lack of self-respect
is pleasing our dicks

Keep your skirts up high
and your dignity down low
take all the cocks you want
in between hits of blow.

Your hot friends all have AIDS
but we are willing to forget
when you tag them in photos
that show off their tits.

You relationship status is always
changing like the tides
and your "interested in" is open
as wide as your thighs.

You must be going for lawyer
or a brain suregon
cause your college info's unchanged
since 2001.

You status just tells us drinks
or how late that you were up
and your wall to wall posts
are just talking about the club.

But that doesn't deter us
cause now we know where your at
We will be in the corner of the bar,
jerking off our our hats

Pee Spot

I shake three times, maybe four
I moonwalk across floor
I slam my cock inside the door.
but it never does squat.

No matter how hard I try
my cock always lies
Cause when I zip it up dry
There's a fucking pee spot.

Animal Farm (sex)

It is a sin to fuck a goat,
but he knows he deserved it.
He went off and ate my coat
so I got all perverted.

And then there were the cows
they hung out to watch.
Well that just fucking nasty
So I began to lick their crotch.

Then I hear the piggys squealing
Squealing with delight.
I can't stand the fucking noise
so I fucked them out of spite.

When I finished I saw chickens
laying eggs out in the yard.
My penalty for nesting
is a fucking extra hard.

I wish there was some respect
on display by my livestock
they I wouldn't have to discipline
by giving them my cock.

Sliding Glass Door

Sliding glass door,
you are so squeaky clean.
You shimmer and shine
and and never decline
to show off all of your gleam.

Sliding glass door,
you are so fucking mean.
You displayed no relection
and I had an erection
so my dick got bent in my spleen.

Adsense

I put adsense on my blogs
and I started to make some money.
I checked my daily logs
and found it kind of funny,
that even with good posts
and no matter if I write more
It'll be years till I boast
I made enough to buy a whore.

Perfection

The perfect woman...

has no legs to run
or arms to punch,
has money for rent
and buys her lunch

Lost her teeth,
gives head each day
Her vocal cords
have gone away.

Loves the sex
but hates the spawn,
unless we make them
to mow our lawn.

Buys me gifts
and never cries
and won't say shit
about my size.

The perfect woman....
does not exist.
So why the fuck
did I make this list?

Boy in the Balloon

Boy in the balloon,
you tricked me.
You didn't take off at all.
Boy in the balloon,
you failed me.
I wanted to see you fall.
Boy in the balloon,
you inspired me.
I'm going to make a balloon,
then hide in the attic
and masturbate until noon.

Handicapped

Handicapped
is where it's at.
A sexy nurse
to clean my ass.

Exclusive parking
at every store.
Automatic opening
of every door.

Stay at home
don't do shit.
Yell at children,
blame tourettes.

Slap a hoe,
she calls the cops.
Tell them I'm
like Michael J Fox.

Lovin' life,
livin' large
the only way:
full retard.

Twitter (a Haiku)

You banned my account
But I won't cry about it
spend my time on porn

Intermission

I'm more limp than Christopher Reeve,
and she wants to suck my dick.
Never would I conceive,
I'd be in this predicament.
So I'll try to earn a reprieve
to go and pitch my tent.
By taking a short leave,
and saying I have to shit.

Ice Cream Cake

Its my birthday
and I want a whore

and midgets and clowns
and an Asian rubdown,
and to see U2 on tour

and crown and coke,
and weed to smoke,
and pirate swords galore

and a painting of me,
and Muhammad Ali,
riding a dinosaur

and... what'd you say?
an ice cream cake?!
Fuck yeah! Say no more.

Lowrider

There's a genius in the mall,
the innovator of our time.
He carries himself well
like Edison in his prime.

Black man walking by
at your ass we glance.
You just lift your shirt to shit
and worry not of pants.

Lying Fries

Golden fry under the couch,
you lied to get inside my mouth.
You once were fresh,
but have digressed
And now I must spit you out.

Inventions

Blacks invented Peanut Butter.
Mexicans, the color TV.
The British gave us fish and chips.
Asians made LCD's.
And whites got sick and tired
of always being outsmarted.
So we invented cops
to beat them all retarded.

Africa

No wonder Africa's poor.
No wonder there's so much death.
They keep letting us win their lotto,
every time we hit refresh.

Talk Dirty To Me

My little angel Violette
let me declare my love,
and ask that when have sex
you stop to finger my butt.

Oh the smell is not too fair,
but I usually wipe twice.
I've shaved off all the hair
and I burned off all the lice.

So let's us make it quick
for if we don't start soon,
there's a chance that I might shit
my belly's like a balloon.

No more talk, now let's get started.
Oh God! Rain-check. I just sharted.

Safety Scissors

Safety scissors
snip, snip, snip.
Makes the paper
rip, rip, rip.
Grab a lighter
click, click, click.
Burn the artroom
crisp, crisp, crisp.

$2 Dollar Bill

A $2 dollar bill? Sweet!
Now I can buy $2 dollar stuff.

like... and.... well... yeah....
Dear $2 dollar bill, What the fuck!

The Receiving Tree

I got drunk
and hugged a tree.

I ate the leaves
when I smoked weed.

I climbed that shit
on LSD.

when I did meth
they called the police.
I was fucking a squirrel
and blowing some geese.

My Gums Bleed

My gums bleed
when I clean my teeth
with the bristles of a brush.
Why the fuck is it
they don't do shit
when I chew ice to a slush?

Lonely Man

I put a playground in my yard
to attact the little boys,
but the homeless invaded the slides
and shit on all the toys.

Hookers came to solicit
and teenagers came to fuck
so I burnt my yard to the ground
and bought an ice cream truck.

I drove each and every day,
hoping to find my guy
but instead I got chased
by some hippopotimi

After running all day from Chunk,
and never getting stiff,
I put the truck in drive
and sent it off a cliff.

Determined not to fail,
cause I'm never one to lose.
I purchased myself a wig
and learned to tie balloons.

I tried some magic tricks
and cut a hole inside my hat
but the rabbit bit my dick
and the kids pissed on my lap.

I'm throwing in the towel
safe to say a failure.
I'll just kidnap Gary Coleman
and dress him as a sailor.

Doctor Proctor

I went to the chiropractor
to have my spine examined.
He chose to check my prostate,
and put his entire hand in.

Oreos

On TV it's:
twist, split,
lick, dip.
No one gets annoyed.
With me it's:
twist, crush,
break, cuss,
dip, drop,
sip, slop,
fuck.
Then I buy Chips Ahoy.

Dirty Women (a haiku)

Leaky pink penis
Reminds me to wrap it up
drip drip drip drip drip